Just Feel.

Laughters.

Laughing can be so hard to do when we grow up. Suddenly, everything becomes so serious. It is so hard to see the funny side of anything.

I just feel there is no space to be myself. If someone or anyone were to tell me that is “Growing Up”; I say “Go fuck yourself”. I don’t know if anyone out there shares the same sentiments but even when I am laughing heartily, I still open my eyes slightly to see if there is anyone judging. Too self-conscious? Maybe.

I just don’t want to spend all my time pleasing anybody - NS personnel or whatnot.

What is the point?
Where did all the laughter go?

Review

Winded. But not down.

Yea, guess that is the state I’m in currently. Out of luck and out of breath. But one thing that I have picked up out of the recent situation is that I’m more than capable of depending on just myself (and God).
The realization that I dt really need anyone else in my life is kind of liberating. But at the same time, worrying. It is really ironic and contradicting actually.

But who cares, I’m free.

#pimpedtothebitchcalledlife

I got to say the going has been tougher than ever in recent weeks. The chakra-draining social night chores, the outfield exercises that have thankfully ended (at least for a while), the duties of a Platoon Commander and the basic indivudual activities (for example, say… sleep?) are somehow binding. Not literally, but binding in terms of my ability to partake in my personal activities. Maybe “partake” is not a suitable term. “Enjoy” is the adjective that is more relatable i would think.

I have got to say i hated my guts out when i wasnt able to properly celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday. I almost blew my head when i couldnt watch the arsenal v mancity match when i was doing up random certifcates. I was just really pissed at whatever i was doing or rather, myself. It was like the pile of work is there. But it is not getting reduced regardless of how much i do. Frustrating much? Tell that again to a NSF who already doesnt have enough time to watch How I Met Your Mother.

In retrosepct, i have got to say maybe i screwed the balance up when i had the chance to restore. Should have gotten more volunteers to help out in the social night committee. Should have shamelessly rejected the call of duty of CPC when it was extended way beyond the supposed “shelflife”. Should have just slept my arse off when I stayed up to do all the random artwork.

Yes, i could gain much from all these. Go through more, learn more lessons, gain more values and perspective on life. But somehow, this inner voice from within just always never fails to remind me that i am contantly doing truckloads and perhaps, that is not what i am supposed to be doing. No, i am not hankering after any recognition or anything remotely close to resembling a cup with ears that shimmers. No. What always goes through my granite-filled head whenever i subconsciously undertake the pile of unwanted responsibilty is, “No one is going to do nothing about it. Well, it needs to be done definitely. So…”

I guess, maybe i shoud start changing my OM. Start to perhaps be more influential. Or pushy.

You know people always say; when the going gets tough, that is when the tough gets going. They forgot to elaborate on where the going is to. The tough gets going to under their blanket.

Quite possibly so.

Truth.

I need more stimulus to keep this going. I am not someone who enjoys a smooth ride on a paved street. I dig highs and lows, thrills and fun.

Change is not the only constant.

God is.

I was just reminded of this by xh. I hope I am not someone who only runs to the altar when my ass is on fire in His eyes. Seriously.

Peace out.

But in the end..

I will still be here.

I would say army has made my life slow down. But at the same time, it is precisely because of this that i had been able to gain more insights and let myself observe what/ who are the people that care about the finer details of my life. It is amazing, isn’t it. Amazing that sometimes when you think certain things and people are forgone conclusion and there shouldn’t be any more twists and turns, then they surprise you and let you know that nothing is for certain except change which is a cliche bundled around long enough to only confirm the truth in it. 

How would I describe serving the nation. It can be suffocating and terrifying some times. Okay, i mean most of the time but that is besides the point. Most guys with at least a dick knows that and they have been through it so i am not going to be a petty whiner here. But the peculiar thing about being in this situation is that we are in a sphere of our own. Because we hardly get to hang out with people, somehow i guess our social life mirrors the one of overseas students. The definition and “rankings” of friends are redefined while priorities are adjusted. 

I am surprised, definitely. Somehow people you expect to be the ones going the extra mile are not and things that seem important before take a backseat.

Will you. 
I have doubts. 

Direction.

So I got into OCS. Congratulations from friends were received. But guess I’m surprised at the lack of elation and pride regarding my posting.

Maybe cos’ I am focused on the bigger picture. Maybe cos’ somehow it is still NS and it isn’t anywhere near the end. Maybe cos’ getting a “bar” does not add value to anything in reality. Or maybe cos’ I am already frigging 22.

And maybe what I really need is a kick in the ass and a direction to be pointed out to me. These days, the skyline seems to be darker, nothing seems to be meaningful and I have never felt emptier.

These 2 years need to fly past and I can’t let myself wander further away from God.

A brand new year.

So I heard that it is already 2012! Hooray! Oh wait, we are halfway through the first month of the brand new year already? *shakes head*

Amidst all the “doom and gloom” - world coming to an end, anything time now eh? -, it is pretty reassuring that some of us are still making new year resolutions and hoping that all the boxes will be checked magically without moving a limb when the next ball drops in New York. Once again.

We earthlings are just so delusional. I mean hopeful. But as a fellow earthling, I can see why these resolutions are made yearly without fail. They are like scattered and uncolored little puzzles pieces of hope we hold in our hands at the start of year. It depends on us to complete and piece them together. But the essence of all this is hope.

So what do I hope for? In 2012, I want to see a 5 figure sum in my account. I want to take SATs at the end of the year. I want to enjoy myself in NS, if that is possible. I also want to strengthen the bonds with people I cherish.

Hope. Or a double-edged sword.